http://conflictcompetence.com Doing Conflict Better Thu, 20 Oct 2011 04:16:26 +0000 http://backend.userland.com/rss092 en   Clearly understanding roles and goals greatly contributes to stress management in many situations, whether in a family or organization. Uncertainty is stressful and becomes blame, confusion about who does what, and feeling what work you do is unappreciated. In one case I mediated, the manager and employee had such different ... http://conflictcompetence.com/2011/10/12/conflict-management-helps-set-goals-and-reduce-stress/ It was a real pleasure to be in a workshop with Bernie Mayer on Friday in Edmonton Alberta. I learned a lot and very much enjoyed the conversation with about a dozen conflict managers. Somewhere in the discussion, this expression was used:  Pick your battles. It's ... http://conflictcompetence.com/2011/09/24/metaphors-for-conflict-competence/   This week i witnessed the importance of sincerely offering or graciously accepting an apology. Granted, during times of high emotions, it isn't always easy to do either. In these two cases, how an apology was offered (or not) and accepted (or not) had the power to change the outcome of ... http://conflictcompetence.com/2011/09/10/the-power-of-apology-in-conflict/  A small story in the media 12 July 2011, is a cautionary tale about trust in conflict zones and the law of unintended consequences. The rumour is that the CIA used a nurse and doctor to withdraw some blood while vaccinating suspects. They used the needle to get a DNA sample. Sometime ... http://conflictcompetence.com/2011/07/15/86/  Many people are uncomfortable with anger. It isn't fun when you're the target of someone else's anger and it's rarely a good feeling to be angry. Even non involved by-standers who witness an angry confrontation that has nothing to do with them can wind up feeling bad. It's hard to ... http://conflictcompetence.com/2011/05/31/a-conflict-analysis-of-anger/  Even billion dollar deals can fall apart when the highly paid executives doing the negotiating get hurt feelings. Here's a cautionary tale about the value of doing interest based negotiations, of managing your reactions to another person and of understanding how to have difficult conversations.The Globe and Mail reported on ... http://conflictcompetence.com/2011/01/28/high-salaries-dont-guarantee-conflict-competence/  It isn't often I go to a Hollywood movie and then want to buy the DVD to use in my conflict management classes. When my colleague and friend suggested we sneak in a matinee of "You Again" I agreed only because it was a rainy day and I didn't have ... http://conflictcompetence.com/2010/11/17/hollywood-can-teach-about-conflict-management/  There is a pattern in two major events that occurred this month: 33 miners were rescued in a breathtakingly heroic effort in Chile and, at the other end of the hemisphere, Calgary elected a new mayor. What they have as a common theme is the credit the media gave to the technology that ... http://conflictcompetence.com/2010/10/22/relationships-matter-as-much-as-technology/  Last month I wrote about confusion in roles and responsibilities contributing to conflict. Having said that, someone asked for more information about how to fix the situation. Clearly understanding roles and goals greatly contributes to stress management in many situations, whether in a family or organization. Uncertainty is stressful and becomes ... http://conflictcompetence.com/2010/08/22/clear-roles-and-goals-reduce-conflict-and-stress/ Two new cases came in this past week. A small nonprofit organization with four staff hired a new coordinator and within months communication had broken down between him and the office manager. The other case was in a very large organization where two managers had stopped speaking to each other, ... http://conflictcompetence.com/2010/07/26/conflicts-from-confused-roles-and-responsibilities/  I've been reading, as perhaps you have as well, that happiness lies in having friendships and collegial relationships, and not in having excess money or in acquiring things. This is not a recent discovery. The Greek philosopher Epicurus, in about 307 BCE, taught that having an emotional connection with other ... http://conflictcompetence.com/2010/05/29/having-a-difficult-conversation-with-yourself/ Theory of Mind is something most conflict resolvers know about while perhaps not knowing that it’s called ... http://conflictcompetence.com/2010/04/25/conflict-analysis-of-theory-of-mind/  There are myths  that we hear about what mediation is and what a mediator does. I propose telling some stories to expose three of those myths about mediation. Myth one: it’s touchy feely stuff and not real law or problem solving. Myth two: agreeing to mediate is a sign your case is weak. Myth three: if ... http://conflictcompetence.com/2010/03/22/mediation-myths/ If the goal is to be competent in conflict situations, i.e. do conflict better, how am I defining 'competent' and 'better'? Anecdotally, I'd start with it meaning: to have appropriate skills and experience to deal with those stresses and pressures that come with interactions that reduce your sense of wellbeing and ... http://conflictcompetence.com/2010/02/21/what-does-it-mean-to-be-conflict-competent/ Some professional mediators were talking and the question came up about when to "use" conflict management techniques. Those in the conversation wanted to know when it was okay to behave 'normally' and when they were to behave with conflict competence. There was a lively discussion about this.After the various arguments ... http://conflictcompetence.com/2010/01/26/conflict-management-and-the-movies/ On 10 December, 2009, President Barak Obama accepted the Nobel Peace Prize and gave the Laureate address in Oslo, Norway. I listened with interest for many reasons, one of which was because it was the Peace Prize awarded to the President of a nation at war.  That’s a bit challenging ... http://conflictcompetence.com/2010/01/06/conflict-management-lessons-can-come-from-anywhere/ A blind spot is anything that, because of your identity and experience and location, you cannot see or understand. This week, I was the after-meeting speaker for an association. The topic was one of my favorites, Developing Conflict Competence.As usual, it was an interactive session in which the audience members ... http://conflictcompetence.com/2009/11/28/blind-spot-analysis/ Hospital administrators and public health officials are sleeping somewhat better knowing that they have flu pandemic plans in place. While there may or may not be a deadly H1N1 pandemic, with climate changes will come other diseases that will each bring its own scares. It's good to have a ... http://conflictcompetence.com/2009/11/01/pandemic-panic-conflict/ It happens, as an intervention proceeds, that parties in conflict learn more about the other parties' perspectives. Often, the result is that someone wants to apologize for behaviour that seemed reasonable at the time. Learning from the discussion in the mediation what the impact of that behaviour was on the ... http://conflictcompetence.com/2009/08/31/apologies-have-a-role-in-conflict-management/ Anecdotally, if I had to pick a leading cause of conflict, I would say it's disaapointed expectations. someone wants something done and the other doesn't accomplish it a lover misses a cue to be supportive the boss had a particular deadline or quality of work in mind that was missed children aren't quiet when ... http://conflictcompetence.com/2009/07/31/disappointed-expectations-are-a-source-of-conflict/ The recent report that there is a massive disproportion of boy children over girl children in some countries confirms what has been known for a while. Preference for male heirs has put the lives of baby girls at risk. This has been deplored for all the reasons of law, morality, ... http://conflictcompetence.com/2009/06/30/assumptions-about-truth/ As well as enthralling and enchanting, the Galapagos Islands are enlightening. Iguanas, blue footed boobies, sea lions, and penguins, are abundant and have complex social communities. It was fascinating to see their dynamic interactions in species and among species. Here is one key thing I learned about conflict from observing the ... http://conflictcompetence.com/2009/06/30/lesson-on-conflict-from-the-galapagos-islands/  This week I was at a typical stand-with-a-glass-in-hand cocktail reception, standing in a group with a glass in my hand. I noticed two women very near me in the crowded room. One of the two had an interesting looking book in her arm. I tried to see the title. The ... http://conflictcompetence.com/2009/05/07/good-manners-good-conflict-management/   This week I participated in a webinar conducted by Insight Fusion. Following an online slide show, a community of consultants doing work on innovation in organizations discussed the ways to engage people who may not believe that knowledge or exploration of thinking style is important.   My interest in participating in this webinar ... http://conflictcompetence.com/2009/04/29/know-your-thinking-and-belief-style-to-be-conflict-competent/ These are tough times in lots of different contexts. It seems like the reactions to tough times also vary, and some reactions are people acting out their fears and anxieties.Behavior seems to be following the worsening economic indicators, which is viewed by some as a justifiable response to stress. This ... http://conflictcompetence.com/2009/04/20/are-peaceful-workplaces-possible/ Two friends stopped talking to each other after a disagreement. They each thought the relationship was over because they had officially called the friendship off. Yet, when they each individually saw their mutual friends, that fight was all they talked about.Some think that once people are in a conflict, their ... http://conflictcompetence.com/2009/03/15/conflict-is-a-relationship/ Except in the extreme cases of the strong imposing or controlling others' behaviors, we each have control only over ourselves. Although we might prefer to change other people so that they get along with us, if a positive relationship with someone is in your interest, you might want to start ... http://conflictcompetence.com/2009/02/23/you-dont-need-permission-to-change-a-conflict/ As much as we might like to believe we are impartial (without bias or prejudice), no one is that objective or free of socialized or cultural influences. We all have biases towards or against certain things. Even though we may be unaware of it, our thoughts, words, body language and behaviors ... http://conflictcompetence.com/2009/01/31/it-depends-finding-balance-in-conflict/ On Sunday, a group of 25 senior citizens gathered to watch a 1934 movie about a family torn apart by conflict between a mother we'll call M and her daughter-in-law we can call S. Over 15 years of the story, the rift got deeper and uglier, until the 13 year ... http://conflictcompetence.com/2008/12/31/transforming-conflict-attitudes/ Abortion is a deeply divisive social conflict. Conversations about social conflicts tend to follow a pattern that is typified this week by the exchange between the University of Calgary administration and Campus Pro-Life.Interactions around social conflicts tend to follow this script: First, a group raises an issue about which they ... http://conflictcompetence.com/2008/12/08/university-versus-its-students-need-not-be-adversarial/